


Totally Captivated

by heynhycs



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Amnesiac Baz, Flirty Simon Snow, I choose you, M/M, personal bodyguard, still waiting for you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 13:47:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19210687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heynhycs/pseuds/heynhycs
Summary: Baz Pitch is a tall, dark and handsome vampire — looking amnesiac boy. And Simon Snow is in love with him.





	1. Chapter 1

BAZ

It's been three months since he died. My boyfriend, Niall. He got into a car accident on his way home, the day after he decided to break up with me because he said he want me to become happy. We fought after that. And then... he just died. 

I cannot forgive myself after he died. I blame myself for being weak, for being unfair to him. If only I ask him to stay. If only I told him that I am happy with him. 

Well, I think it’s fate's way of messing up with my happiness, with my life. And I can't do anything about it. To be honest, I'm tired of it, tired of everything. Being the eldest son of one of the richest businessman in England might sounds incredible to others but for me, it's a prison. I may have the popularity, the wealth, and all the privileges my name could give but I will never be happy. Yes, I do have money to buy everything, but I cannot buy my freedom, the thing I wanted the most. Again, sucks.

"Mr. Pitch, your father wants to see you" said Kelly, one of Malcolm’s men. My dad insisted me to have a personal bodyguard to protect/guard me, 24/7. Since, my accident three years ago, (The Accident that I cannot remember) my father and Fiona, my mom's sister, refused to let me go anywhere unattended/unprotected because it's too dangerous. They say. I let them because I know they won't stop bothering me about it. 

"What do you want, father?" I said the moment I entered his office. 

"Good to see you, too. Basilton." Malcolm said, note the sarcasm. After Niall died, I decided to go abroad, anywhere far away from this forsaken place because it suffocates me. They suffocate me. And I need to be away or else. I needed to move on. 

It was a surprise that my father had let me go, seems like my aunt and Daphne, my stepmom, was able to convince him. 

"Seriously, what do you want?" I refuse to have a small talk with him. I know he will only tell me how much I disappoint him because I refuse to become like him. I don't want to be a businessman. I don't want to use other people like they are just instruments. I don't want that. I want to become musician. And I intend to become one even if it means I have to forget that I am my father's son. Aside from that, another reason why he is disappointed to me is because I am gay.

"You will have your new bodyguard. Sean recommended him to me. His name is Simon Salisbury. " Sean is my personal bodyguard, he's always with me wherever I go. But because of some family matters he have to resign. 

Simon Salisbury? Why does it sounds familiar. Hmm, maybe Sean told me his name before when he's still working with me. Yeah. That maybe it.

"Okay. That's all?" Good luck to him, though. He is unlucky to be the one to guard me.

"I say this again. Behave. Don't do anything stupid like sneaking out at night. We do not want something bad happen to you again." 

"Tsk. Okay.  I'm leaving." 

Screw him. It's his fault that I sneak out at night to go to some party. This place is suffocating, if I am not in university, I am locked in the mansion.

I heard from my father's men that the new bodyguard will come tomorrow. Oh, how I wish he will not come.

I'm in my room now, playing my violin. It is in this place that I can be the real me. Niall used to tell me that I became someone else every time I play. He's the only one I let to hear me play, besides my family. He's a good listener. I mean, he was. 

It still hurt me that he’s gone now. I felt like my heart was being torn into pieces, again. Uhm, remember The Accident that I was talking about earlier? Three years ago, when they found me in Wales, a week after I runaway from home, my aunt told me that I have been into a car accident while I'm on my way to somewhere. I don't know where I was going, or why I was in Wales, since I cannot remember what happened. The doctor said I have a temporary — memory loss (but it's been three years and I still have no clue about The Accident). After the accident, I've been out for three days, and every inch of my well — being hurts. But you know what aches the most? It is my heart. Every night, I cry and scream and wail because I cannot take the pain. I don't know what's happening to me, or why I felt that way. It's like my heart is aching for something or someone but I have no idea who it is. So, yeah. My doctor decided to give me sedatives every time I am having a"heart" attack. It works, most of the time. But it fails to heal my broken heart. 

I met Niall in the university, five months after The Accident. He's a med student and he is really kind and he always smile a lot. He said he fell in love with me when he saw me at my cousin’s, Dev, birthday party. Well, I don't know what he likes about me, because I know myself, I am not good in socialising or interacting with people. I am always sarcastic and I sneer a lot so I don't really now what he likes about me. Nevertheless, it's good to have someone who likes you. Niall was able to help me go through whatever it is I am going through. The "heart" attack is much more endurable when I am with him. He told me once that maybe the reason why my heart always ache is because I am deeply in love with someone.  I told him that's impossible. And if that was true, that I really am in love with someone that I cannot remember, why is that he never showed up to me. He didn't visit me in the hospital or talked to me after the accident. 

I told him to forget his theory and to believe me that he was my first love. I think. Though, I don't know why I am not sure about that. All I know is I loved Niall with all my heart, I mean with all the broken pieces left with me.

——————-  
"You know, Snow? You remind of the stars" I said to him. He's eating that bloody scones again. Snow and his scones are one of the outrageous things I love about him. 

"Yeah — why is that?" He asked looking at me with those plain blue eyes. It is just blue, but every time I look at those, I am bewitched. Like I want to see the world through it. I want to know the secret of his blue eyes and his smiles that never fail to amuse and captivate me. I want to know the secret of Snow. I want all of him.

"It's because of your moles and freckles. It's like constellations. A clusters of stars. The stars that I would love to behold with my own hands." I said, truthfully. He stopped eating his scones now. His face is all red, the shade of red that I love because it paints his face and make his freckles and moles more remarkable. I'm addicted and obsess with Snow's freckles and moles. I'm not complaining.

He put down his unfinished scone (Snow never, ever, put down an unfinished scone) and then, he hold my face gently, and smile at me. That smile that makes me weak and strong at the same time.

"You and your poetic words will be the death of me" he said and then, he kisses me.

I woke up with a start. My heart is beating fast and I'm all sweat. My hands is shaking, no, my whole being is shaking so hard. WHAT IS THAT?! What kind of dream is that? Wait, is that a dream or a memory? Argh. My head aches so badly. It is my first time to have a dream like that. (The first time I remember a dream like that) And it's about a boy. A boy called Snow that I don't remember. I tried to remember his face but it's all blurry and it makes my head aches more. All I can remember is the colour of his eyes. Plain Blue.

—————  
When I went downstairs, the first thing I heard is laughters, specifically my siblings' laughters. Hmm. Why is my siblings laughing first thing in the morning is a mystery.

"Simon, do it again. That's really funny" Mordelia said. There's a boy in the couch next to her.

The first thing I observe on this Simon (Which is my new personal bodyguard) is his hair. Bronze curls. 

Oh, not good. 

"Hey, Baz! You're up! Have you met Simon? Dad told us he's your new bodyguard." Mordelia saw me walking towards them. I see Simon sitting up straight and fidgeting. (Tense, huh?)

"No. You’re close with him now, huh?" I said, arching my brow at her. She just laughs.

"Don't get jealous, Baz. You're still my favourite." 

"So, you're my new bodyguard, huh?" I ask. I am sitting in front of him but this guy is looking down at his feet. It’s as if he's trying to hide his face from me. What's his problem?

"Simon, you okay?" Mordelia ask him because apparently, this Simon forget how to speak. 

"Uh. Y — yes. Sorry."

Is he really nervous or scared of me? I'm not doing anything... yet. 

I wait for him to talk. I think he's counting on three before he look and smiled at me.

"Uhm. Hi. Yes. I'm — err — your new bodyguard. My name is Simon Salisbury" he said, stuttering, and offering his hand for shake.

I forget how to speak or breathe, probably both. Because the second I saw those eyes, I now that I am doomed.

"Baz? Hey, Baz?" I look at Mordy who’s waving her hands frantically in front of my face, trying to get my attention. 

"Huh?" is all I said to her. 

"What happened?" 

"Nothing happened, Mordelia"

"Don't try to fool me, Baz. Why did you suddenly leave us there?  Poor Simon. He told me that he thinks you hate him." Yes. I did left them in the living room because... I don't know.

"Seriously, Mordy. It's nothing. I remember that I have something important to do, so." Mordelia just give me the look that tells she don't believe me. Well, I don't believe myself, too.

"Simon is really nice, you know? You have to apologize to him" I give her a look. Me? Apologize? Is she on drugs? She’s fifteen now, I should tell her to not try taking drugs at such young age. (I’m kidding.)

"Nope. I didn't do anything wrong. Why would I apologize?"

"Well, because you're rude."

"Coming from you, huh?" She just rolled her eyes. Seriously, why is she so stubborn. (Maybe it runs on our blood)

"C'mon, Mordy. It's time to prepare for school." I tell her. She shakes her head and sigh before leaving me in my room, alone and confused.

———————  
I tried to avoid Salisbury all throughout the day (I decided to call him that because calling him Simon gives me a weird feeling). Most of the time, I am in the library or in my practice room and it seems like he already knows the rule inside the mansion. That is: Don't bother me when I'm in my room, or in the library and most especially when I am practicing my violin. 

Which is a good thing, because I can avoid him without being suspicious.

I actually have no idea why I am avoiding Salisbury. It's my first time seeing him (?) but why does it feels like I know him before. Something is really wrong with me. I need to recollect myself. This is not me. I am Basilton Pitch. I am not a coward. 

 

I decided to leave my room and eat together with my siblings. Daphne is in the kitchen, same as Mordelia and the twins, ... and Salisbury. What the heck? What is he doing here?

"What are you doing here?" I sneer at him. I saw him tensing up and he looks like he's going to piss himself. (Cute, I mean. Stupid)

"I — uh. Well." He said. What's wrong with him. Why can't he speak normally?

"Use your words, Salisbury" I said and he wince. 

"I invited him, Baz. Don't be hard on him." Daphne said. I arch my brow at her. (She's used to it) 

"Well, the kids like him, especially the twins. They listen to him. Can you believe that Baz?" She said, laughing. The twins? That's impossible. The twins don't even listen to me. I look at Salisbury suspiciously but he just shrug and give me a small smile. The nerve of him.

I decided to remain silent and try to eat peacefully. Tried. Well, I cannot eat without insulting Salisbury. He eats like an animal. Where is his manners? Did his parents forgot to teach him some etiquettes?

"You eat like an animal" I tell him. He stop eating for a moment and give me that look, like he heard me saying that before and he can’t believe that he heard me say it again. Weird.

"What?" I ask because he forgot to speak again. Is this really the one who will guard me and will be with me 24/7?

"N — nothing. Uhm. It's really delicious, Mrs. Grimm" he said averting his gaze from me and focus his attention to Daphne, smiling.

"Thank you, Simon" Daphne said and then she gives me a look that tells me to behave. Tsk. Why are they treating me like a five — year old. For Merlin's sake, I'm already 21. 

 

"Wow! I've never been so full in my life" Salisbury said. We are in the play room, waiting for my siblings. They decided to play some games. They. I'm just here because Mordelia blackmailed me that if I will not come and play with them, she will tell Dad that I used his Jaguar to sneak out last night. I will get punish if he will know about that. Worst is I will be grounded for a week. No phones and no parties.

“Well, I’ve never seen an animal that eats as fast and gross as you. So.” I said, giving him a spiteful look. He looks pain for a second, and then he gives me that smile again. He’s acting like he’s used to it and enjoying it more than anything.

“You know? I miss this.” 

“Did you said something?”

“Huh? I didn’t. Why?”

“Are you sure? Because I really heard you whispering something” Simon Salisbury just stared at me.

“Well, Baz. The truth is...” he started. But before he can finish what he’s saying. Mordelia and the twins enter the play room,

“Simooooooon! Let’s play” 

This will be a long night. I look at Salisbury, he’s smiling and doing weird faces with the twins. 

Just a while ago, I think, he wants to tell me something important. Which is weird because this is our first time meeting each other. Again. Weird.

————————  
“Why do you love scones so much?” I ask Snow while we’re waiting for our meal.

“Hmm? How can I not love them. Sour cherry scones are heaven. It makes me happy just by eating it. ” he said. 

“Really?”

“Yeah. If someone ask me what is the thing I loved the most in the whole world, I will say it’s scones... uhm. But that was before, though”

“Huh. Why?”

“Well, they’re my second — most loved in the whole world” he said, shrugging. 

“Why is that?”

”Well, there’s you, now. So.” 

———————-

“Where are we going?” Salisbury said, for the fifth time. This boy doesn’t know when to shut up.

“Salisbury, you are paid to protect and guard me and not to ask me questions” I told him. He shut up for like three — seconds, and start to talk again. 

“You know what, Baz?”

“Don’t call me Baz!” I don’t like it when he calls my name. It’s sounds different coming from him. It’s weird. I’m weird. 

“But it’s your name”

“I know that Salisbury. But you can’t call me Baz” I sneer.

“Why?”

“Because I say so” he huffs and looks at me like I am being impossible. Well, I am.

“Okay, Tyrannus” he said, smirking. Okay, it is decided. I hate Simon Salisbury.

“Don’t you dare!” 

“What? You said I can’t call you Baz. So, I’ll just call you with your first name” 

“You’re not allowed to call me Baz or Tyrannus. Understand?” 

“Nope” he said, popping the “p”. 

“Seriously. You’re thick” He’s the most annoying and stupidest person I’ve ever met in twenty — one years of my existence.

“I cannot call you Baz, and I cannot call you Tyrannus. Then, can I call you mine?” 

*screeeeech*

“Ugh! Drive safely, Baz. We don’t want another car accident, don’t we?” 

What the heck is wrong with this guy. Wait, did he say “another” car accident?

“What do you mean “another” car accident” I ask him, giving him a suspicious look.

“Uh — well, your father told me, you got into a car accident before. Yeah — that’s it.” He said, smiling sheepishly. There’s something he’s hiding from me but I dismiss the idea. I don’t care what he’s hiding. It’s probably something that Malcolm said.

“Oh, where are we?”

“Salisbury, it seems like you don’t know how to read so even if it pains me, I’ll try to educate you. This,” pointing at my cousin’s shop, “is a bakery.”

He rolls his eyes at me and decided to just enter the shop instead of making a retort.

“OMG! BAZ! THEY HAVE SOUR CHERRY SCONES!” he yells at me while pointing at the scones in the display. 

“For merlin’s sake, Salisbury. Lower your voice. We’re in a public place” he just shrugs and inhales deeply the smell of scones. 

“I’m hungry”

“You’re always hungry. C’mon, my cousin is the owner of this shop. I ordered some pastries for the kids.”

“Baz! Baz! Can I have scones, too? Please?” he said. Giving me puppy — eyes. Well, he does looks like a pup. A cute one. Did I said cute? I didn’t. I’m talking about a cute dog. Not him. 

“You can. But you have to pay for it.”

“Eh? I don’t have my wallet with me. I left it at your house”

“You’re really are stupid. Why am I not surprise?” I said. In the end, I bought him five scones. He looks really happy, though.

“You likes scones?” 

“Uh-huh. They’re my second — most loved thing in the whole world.” He said. I stopped walking, eyes wide looking at Salisbury.

“Wh — What did you say?” 

“What? Please be specific.” 

I stare at him. Maybe it’s just a coincidence. It’s impossible. He’s not that boy because, his name is Simon Salisbury. And not Snow.

“N — nothing. C’mon, walk faster.” 

————————  
“Baz, can I watch you when you practice?” Salisbury asked me one day, when we’re playing with the twins.

“No. We’re not close and you’re not part of my family”

He smiles and then went closer to me. 

“Uhm. Is this close enough? I could be much closer to you, you know?” 

*dug* *dug* *dug*

Why is my heart beating so fast? The heck.

“Don’t come near me. And stop flirting with me. You’re not my type” I tell him. Seriously, he’s been doing this for weeks now. He is supposed to be my personal bodyguard, right? He doesn’t act like one.

“Ouch. Why are you always hurting my feelings? My heart” He said, while faking tears. I snark at him and decided to just ignore him and continue playing with the twins.

“Even if I’m hurting and you’re a prick, I still love you.” 

“What?”

“I say. You’re a prick. An arrogant vampire — looking prick.” He said, smiling, eyes twinkling with mischief.

“Piss off” is all I said. 

 

These days he’s becoming weird. Sometimes, I saw him looking at me, with those blue eyes that looks so sad and hurt... that there’s one time, I want to ask him if he’s okay. But, I didn’t. I stopped myself before I was able to do that. 

 

————-  
“Hey boyo, how are you?”

“I’m fine, Fiona. Still breathing.” 

“How’s your “heart” attack? Do you take your medicine?”

“Uhm. Well, these past few weeks, I’m not having it. I think the medicine is helping.” I tell her. It’s true. I’m not having a “heart” attack since last month. I have no idea what made it stopped though. 

“Actually, Fiona. Instead of “heart” attack, i’m having these dreams. I don’t know if I’m getting my memories back. But these dreams felt so real.”

“Hmm? What kind of dreams?”

“It’s about a boy. Any chance you know someone called Snow?”

“W — what? Uh. Hey, Basil. I have to go. Bye.” 

“Wait, Fiona!” Argh. What happened. Is she avoiding me? 

I have to find out who’s this Snow and why I have these memories with him. Is he part of my life before the accident? Where is he now? I’m still deep in my thoughts when I heard his voice calling me.

“Hey, Baz!” 

“What do you want?”

“You look lost in your thoughts. Any chance you’re thinking about me?”

“Dream on, Salisbury.”

“You can call me, Simon. You know?”

“Nope” I said. and I popped the “p” like what he did before.

“Fine. You can call me, love or darling, instead. I won’t complain.” He grins and laughs when he saw me blushing.

“Stop laughing”

“Why? You look cute when you’re blushing, Baz.”

“I’m not cute, i’m not a dog”

“Who says you’re a dog, Baz?” 

“Stop flirting with me. Seriously. You have a girlfriend right!”

“Huh?” He stare at me.

“It’s true. I heard you last night. You said, “Yeah, Pen. Love you too.”” I told him. I’m just repeating what I heard. I’m not eavesdropping. His voice is just too loud and I happen to have ears. 

I look at Salisbury when I realize he’s not saying anything and the idiot is trying not to laugh.

“What?” I said. I’m pissed. Why is he laughing? What’s so funny.

“Pft. You think Penny is my girlfriend?” 

“If she’s not you girlfriend, then your wife?” 

That’s it. He’s laughing so hard now. He’s wiping some tears in his eyes. 

I should be angry or piss at him for laughing, but why do I feel happy instead. I don’t know what’s happening to me lately, but there are times when I found myself smiling while looking at him. When he smile or laughs, he shines so bright, it hurts to look at him. It’s like looking directly at the sun. 

“No. Penny is my best friend, Baz.” Oh? Best friend. Hmm, that makes sense. That’s good news. I mean. I don’t care.

“Wait. Are you married?” 

“Is that a proposal?” He smirks and arch his brow at me.

“Nevermind. It’s a bad idea talking to you.”

“C’mon, Baz. Don’t be jealous. You know I’m yours right?” He said. I‘m not sure if he’s joking or not. I ignore him. And try to forget what he just said.

——————-  
“Simon, do you believe in true love?” Mordelia asks Salisbury while they’re busy colouring books.

“Of course. As much as I believe that first love never dies” he said, smiling. I look at Salisbury while he’s busy. Lately, counting every moles and freckles in his face became my habit. And I imagine myself tracing some constellations with it. I am becoming weird. The result of being with Salisbury.

“Salisbury, first love never works out” I tell him. I know it, because of what happened to mine.

“Don’t say that!” He yells and he’s giving me that look again. 

“It’s true, Salisbury. Based on my experience. You should take my advice” he looks at me for a second before he stormed out of the play room.

“Baz, I think you upset him.” Mordelia said. 

“What? I’m just being honest.”

“Just because it didn’t work out with you, doesn’t mean it won’t work with every one” she said, giving me a pointed look.

“What are you? A love guru?”

“No. I’m just being smart. One of us needs to be smart to make this conversation work” She said, mockingly. I swear, one of these days, I’ll take her tongue out. Believe me.

 

I decided to look for Salisbury. He’s being dramatic. Just because of that he got upset? Such a baby.

I found Simon Salisbury in the garden, looking up at the night sky. 

“Oi.” I said. He didn’t look at me, just continue staring at the stars. I sit next to him but not too close. I’m too scared, i’ll get burn if I touch his skin accidentally.

“Why don’t you believe in first love?” He whisper quietly. 

“Well, it didn’t work for me. I guess, you know what happened to my boyfriend, Niall, right?”

“Ahh. Him. Yes. That’s sad. Really. I’m sorry.” I don’t know if he’s sad about what happened to me or to something I don’t know.

“You know, I fell in love with someone three years ago.” Salisbury said, still looking at the sky. I don’t know why he’s telling me his love story. 

“He’s tall, dark and super handsome. He sneers a lot, he loves eating crisps and sweet drinks. He might be cold and distant sometimes but truth is, he just scared and lonely. He don’t want to feel the pain of losing someone you loved so deeply. He tried to detach himself from others. But, he let me in his world. He said, he is lost and that I found him, but he’s wrong. Truth is, it’s the other way round. He found me. Or maybe we found each other. Baz, I only knew him for a week, and I know that I want to be with him forever. He’s my first and only love”

I look at Salisbury and saw his tears. Why does his tears hurt me? Why is he telling me this? 

I want to hug him, to touch him and to tell him that’s it’s okay. But I didn’t. He looks so fragile and broken right now. I’m scared that I’ll hurt him. You see. It’s not easy to heal someone’s broken heart when yours is broken too.

“Why aren’t you together?” I ask him. I dare myself to ask him that. I thought he won’t answer my question. But he did.

“He forgot me. About us.” I averted my gaze from him and focus my eyes on the stars above. I can’t bear to look at his expression.

“That’s ... sad.”

“‘S okay. I’m still hoping that he will remember me”

“So, you’re still waiting for him?” I don’t know why my heart aches when he said he’s still waiting for that guy. Why am I jealous over a boy i’ve never met?

“Yeah. Always.” I saw his face move and now we are looking at each other. 

Who are you, Simon Salisbury?


	2. Totally Captivated

BAZ

”We’ re going to Dev’s house tonight.” 

“Dev? Your cousin?” I nod. Dev said he needs to give me something important. It sounds urgent. I wonder what is all about.

 

“Baz!” I saw Dev looking nervously at me and Salisbury.

“What’s up, Dev?” I ask him. We’re on his room now. It’s been months since I’ve been in his room. 

“It’s about Niall.” 

I stare at him. Why did I suddenly feel nervous?

“Uh. What about Niall?”

“I — uh. His family gave me this. They found it in his room few days ago. It’s for you.” He gave me a piece of paper. My hands is shaking violently. I cannot find the courage to read it. I’m scared of what is inside. Hah! Basilton Grimm — Pitch, scared of reading a letter. Gosh, it will be a headline.

I inhale deeply, and open the letter half — way. 

Baz,

Please forgive me for everything that I will tell you in this letter. I cannot tell you this in person because I am a coward. Okay, so here it is:

You know I love you, right? I really do. I mean, you’re brilliant, talented and kind (don’t argue with me, you really are kind) but that’s not the only thing that I love about you. It’s the greatness of your love that amazed me. I know, you always tell me that you loved me, but we both know, deep inside that you don’t love me the way I loved you. I’m sorry, love. But, it is true. Sometimes, I think you just loved the idea of me, of someone who loved you so much because you once felt that before. Maybe someone loved you the way that I loved you or maybe much more than I loved you. I know that we always fought because of this and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that I cannot heal your heart, that every time you are having the “heart” attack, I cannot help you to ease the pain. I’m sorry that I cannot be him....

I fold the letter close. I can’t read this anymore. I have to get away from here. I.... have to go, somewhere, anywhere. I can’t breathe. 

“Baz? Are you okay?”

“Dev, I — I have to go. Can’t. breathe” Before he can say anything, I exit from his room. I run downstairs, into the doors and out. Simon saw me and went after me, running to catch up with me.

“Leave me alone, Salisbury.” 

“Baz, wait. What happened?” He grasp my wrist and I tried to yank it away. But, i’m too weak.

“Nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me, Baz. It’s not nothing. You’re crying!!!” I didn’t realize that I’m crying. I felt numb and cold. Why am I so cold?

“It’s my fault. Niall died because of me. If only — if only I told him to stay. If only I told him that I’m happy with him. If only....”

“Hush, Baz. It’s not your fault okay? It’s an accident. You didn’t know that it will happen. You don’t have to blame yourself.” 

“Nooooo! That night when he died. He told me he’s breaking up with me. He told me he thinks I’m not happy with him and that it will be better if we remain just friends. Because of me. Because of someone I cannot even remember. And then we fought. And then... he just died. And I wasn’t able to ask for his forgiveness for the last time. I was unfair to him. I’m an awful person.”

Simon is hugging me now. I feel so cold but he’s so warm. 

“Baz, listen to me. It’s not your fault. It’s just that the timing is awful. Fate is awful. You’re a good person, Baz. I know Niall will tell you not to blame yourself on what happened. He loved you that much.”

“How can you say that? How can you be so sure of that?”

“I know it because I’ll also tell you that if I am in his shoes” Simon looks at my eyes, and he’s looking at me like he’s pouring all his being to me, like he’s trying to fill me in. You’re so alive, Simon Salisbury. 

“Simon...” and then, he kisses me. 

Simon Salisbury is kissing me like his life depends on it. He’s kissing me and I’m kissing him back. I hold him tight like if I don’t he will disappear. 

What is this feeling? Why does it feel so right? So familiar.

“Baz?” I’m staring at him. Bronze curls. Freckles and moles. Those plain blue eyes. It is all familiar.

“Who are you, Simon Salisbury?” I ask him. He looks shocked for a second, then, scared. What are you hiding from me?

“I — what do you mean?” He said. I arch my brow and scowl at him.

“You know what I mean, Salisbury.” 

“C’mon, Baz. We have to go home.” he smiled and walks towards the car. That’s the last time, he smiled at me.

——————  
“Baz, what if that boy, the one you can’t remember show up in front of you. What will you do?”

“I’ll punch him. And tell him to never show his face again.”

“Re — really? Won’t you hear his explanation?”

“What does he need to explain? It’s been three years and I don’t need to hear it. Nah.”

“Do you hate him that much?”

“I don’t know. I can’t hate someone I don’t remember.”

“Right! I — uh. I have to go. ”

After that night, the night when we kissed, Simon is avoiding me. I think, he’s trying... but since he’s paid to be with me always, he’s not doing a good job at avoiding me. I try to talk to him about what happened that night. But he always try to change the subject or tell me that he has something important to do. I let him be. I don’t want to push him. And I’m still not sure what I feel for him.

“Mordy, have you seen Salisbury?”

“Huh? No. Why?”

“Nothing. I haven’t seen him since this morning” 

“Oh. Maybe he’s doing something for dad. You know?”

“Yeah. Okay. If you saw him, tell him to go to my room.” She nods and I left her and went to the practice room.

 

Simon Salisbury is nowhere to be found. He’s been missing in action. He’s not here yesterday. Or the day after tomorrow. Or the next day. And the next. 

I tried calling his phone but he’s not answering it. What’s wrong with him. I’m pacing back and forth in my room, trying to figure out what I did wrong. 

What if something bad happened to him? That idiot. One day, he’s kissing me. And then, he’s avoiding me and now, he’s missing? Tsk.

 

Why do I feel like I am forgetting something important?

I opened my drawer to get my car keys and my wallet. I’ll just go to his house, then.

Something caught my attention while I’m looking for my car keys. It is Niall’s letter. I still haven’t finished reading it yet. I took it out from the drawer and hold it tightly in my hand. 

C’mon, Baz. Just read it. You’re not a coward. I opened the letter and read it completely.

Baz,

Please forgive me for everything that I will tell you in this letter. I cannot tell you this in person because I am a coward. Okay, so here it is:

You know I love you, right? I really do. I mean, you’re brilliant, talented and kind (don’t argue with me, you really are kind) but that’s not the only thing that I love about you. It’s the greatness of your love that amazed me. I know, you always tell me that you loved me, but we both know deep inside that you don’t love me the way I loved you. I’m sorry, love. But, it is true. Sometimes, I think you just loved the idea of me, of someone who loved you so much because you once felt that before. Maybe someone loved you the way that I loved you or maybe much more than I loved you. I know that we always fought because of this and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that I cannot heal you heart, that every time you are having the “heart” attack, I cannot help you to ease the pain. I’m sorry that I cannot be him....

 

And most of all, I’m sorry if I became selfish. Baz, you may not know or remember this, but you always dreamt about him. You always speak his name when you are having a dream and I knew it then, that the time will come that you will remember him and that scared me. I don’t want you to leave me for him, so I look for that boy. I want t tell him to never show himself to you, to forget about you. I’ll beg him to do that just so you can always be with me. (I’m pathetic, I know)

Well, I found out who is the boy you are so in love with. I found him, Baz. His name is Simon Snow Salisbury. Three years after the accident, I found that boy and Baz, remember when you told me why he didn’t show up when you were in the hospital or after The Accident? Baz,he was in coma and it’s only after two years that he regained his consciousness. And you know what he did the moment he left the hospital? He searched for you, Baz. Every single day. This boy is so much in love with you. 

I can’t bring myself to ask to him to forget about you, because I know he won’t. He’s a fighter, I can see that. 

The guilt of this information is gnawing me and I can’t hide this huge secret with me anymore. So, I decided that tonight, I will give you this paper. I want you to be happy, Baz. You deserved it more than anyone else and I know he can make you happier, the happiest person in the world, more than I’m capable of. Baz, I love you so much, and we both know that even after three years, we can’t work together. It’s doesn’t feel right. 

Don’t worry, Baz. We can still be friends. I know you only have two friends in your life. I’m one of them. Though, you have to bear the long distance friendship, I decided to go to Spain, to study and also, to move on. Sorry, for the late notice. 

P.S. Basil, don’t feel guilty about what happened to us, okay? It’s not your fault that you’re in love with somebody else. 

PPS. Tell Simon that I want to meet him in person, someday. 

PPPS. Don’t lose him for the second time! He’s a good catch, mate!!!

What is this?! It’s... he’s— Simon Snow Salisbury? Wait. Is Simon Salisbury, the boy in my dreams? Is he Snow? Why did he not tell me? Why?

“Arghhhhhhhh” my head is aching, and my heart is being torn to pieces, again. I’m having the “heart” attack again.

“Ahhhhhhhh!!! Stop. Make it stop!” I scream at the top of my lungs. I can’t take this any longer. The pain won’t stop.

I can’t breathe. It’s so painful. I’m cold again. 

I think I saw Mordelia entering my room before I lost my consciousness.

—————  
I was sitting alone in the bar when I first saw him. Bronze curls, freckles, moles and blue eyes. I’ve never seen someone as beautiful as him. And he’s talking to me.

“Uhm — hey. Do you mind if I sit with you. There’s no other sit available and Uhm.” I stare at him. His voice sounds heavenly.

“Uhh. It’s okay if you don’t want to. Sorry.” Before he can walk away, I stop him from leaving by holding his hand. It’s so warm and rough. It’s good for my cold skin.

“No. It’s okay. I don’t mind.” I told him and let go of his hand. I regret it as soon as I did it. I miss his warmth.

“Uh. Thanks. I’m Simon. Simon Salisbury.” He said, offering his hand for a shake.

“I’m Baz. Basilton Pitch” 

“Pft.”

“What’s funny?” I ask him, scowling.

“Your name sounds posh. Well, I expected that. You look posh and rich after all.” he said, pointing at my clothes.

“Whatever.” I tried to eat my food again. And tried (but failed) not to look at this beautiful boy in front of me. He’s like a ravenous beast who haven’t eating for three days.

“You eat like an animal” I told him. He just rolls his eyes and continue eating.

——————-  
“Wait, your first name is Tyrannus? Like the dinosaur?” 

“No. Idiot. And don’t call me that.” 

“Why? It’s your name.”

“Just don’t call me that.”

“Well, You’re not the only one who has a ridiculous name, you know?”

“Really?”

“My middle name is Snow.”

“Huh. Your full name is Simon Snow Salisbury?” I said, laughing. His face is all red now. He scowls at me and I laugh again.

“Don’t be angry, Snow.”

“Argh. I should not have tell you that.”

“Why not? I like it, Snow. Simon Snow. Sounds magical.” 

———————  
“So, why are you here in Paris?” He ask me. He’s eating those bloody scones again. That’s third time this day.

“I’m running away from home”

“Huh? Why would you do that?”

“My dad is too strict and it’s suffocate me”

“Yeah? Wanna runaway with me?” he said, smiling conspiratorially.

“Where to?”

“Wales. I’m going to visit someone I know. Game?”

I smiled at him. And nod.

“Game.”

————————  
“I love you.” Snow said. He took me into a flower field, saying there is something he needs to tell me.

“I — uh.” I don’t know what to say.

“Y— you don’t have to answer. I mean. Not yet. I don’t want to pressure you or something.” He said quickly, as if he offended me.

“No!” I told him. He’s looking anywhere but me. So I hold his hands. His hands is shaking. He’s really nervous. Cute.

“Simon, you daft! I love you, too” I told him, smiling. That’s it. I said the L word and it feels so good.

“Really???”

“Yeah. Really!”

“So, we’re boyfriends now?” 

“Uhh — yeah, if you want to.” I said, shyly.

“Of course. I’d love too. I love you, Baz. So much.” And then, he kisses me. 

————————  
I woke up, feeling drained and hurting. There are tears in my eyes. Mordelia is in my room holding my hands tightly.

“Baz? You okay now?” She asks. I just nod.

“Where’s father?”

“He’s in his office. You want to talk to him?”

“Yeah. I’m okay now, Mordy. Thank you.” I tell her and she hugs me.

“You scared me, Baz.” She whispers. I promise her I’ll be okay. I remember everything now. I have to talk with my father.

 

“Why did you not tell me that I am with someone when I got into an accident?” I said to Malcolm. His eyes are wide and he doesn’t speak for a moment.

“You remember now?”

“Yes. Don’t change the topic. Tell me why you did that?”

“Because it’s the right thing to do. We have to protect you, our family from the media. We can’t risk to let them now that you runaway with an unknown boy and went to Wales”

“You knew. You knew that I have someone I loved. You knew why my heart is always aching and yet you hid it from me”

“It’s for your own good, Baz. He’s not the one for you”

“Who are you to tell me who’s good for me?” I yell. How dare him. All this time, they were lying to me.

“I’m your father!”

“I wish you’re not my father. You’re awful” I said. Before I leave his office, I told him about Simon.

“By the way, did you know that Simon Salisbury, my personal bodyguard, is that boy?” 

I left him dumbfounded.

———————-  
C’mon, Simon. Pick up the phone. You idiot. I have to talk to you. I have to apologise to you. I want to tell you I love you so much. Just pick up your phone!

He’s not in his house when I went there. He’s not in the bar or in the shop where we used to hang out. He’s not anywhere.

Think, Baz. Where do you think he will go? Ugh. I have no idea — oh. Oh! I think I know where he is now.

I need to book a ticket to Wales.

—————  
After few hours, and here I am. The place where Simon took me and where we said our ‘I love you’. 

I am in the flower field and there he is, the boy in my dreams. My first love. My everything. Snow.

I walk slowly towards him, his back is on me so he can’t see me right now.

“Yes, Pen. I’m going back to London soon. Yeah. Sorry again. Ebb’s told me I can go back now.” He’s talking in his phone. 

“Okay. Good bye. Love you, too. Tell Micah and Agatha, I said Hi” 

I wait for five seconds before I talk to him.

“Simon Snow Salisbury, I will kill you” I said and glare at him. 

“B — Baz? What are you doing here? How did you find me?” He’s staring at me like he can’t believe that I am here.

“You. How dare you ghost on me!” I said, punching him hard on the face.

“Aww. Wait. Ouch. Baz. What are you doing here?” He said while holding my hands tightly. His eyes are wide and his cheeks are red. 

“I’m here to kill you, Snow”

“Huh. What did I do wrong?” I glare at him.

“Oh, right. I’m sorry if I’m avoiding you. I’m just scared that you will be mad at me if you know who I really am” I just stare at him. I don’t talk, just look at him. I missed his face. His voice. His scent. I miss Simon Snow.

“Seriously, Baz. How did you find me? And why did you say you’ll kill — oh. Oh. OMG!” It takes five minutes for him to realize what I just said. He’s so stupid and slow. Why did I fell in love with him?

“You — but how? You, you called me Snow” he said in disbelief.

“You remember now? You remember me?” His voice is small and he looks so dejected. This is not how I imagine his reaction. I thought, he will be happy and excited to see me. And tell me that he loves me and that he misses me. 

“I’m sorry, Baz. For everything”

“Why are you saying sorry?”

“Because I wasn’t with you that time. And I only show myself to you after three years. Because I wasn’t able to protect you.” 

“Look at me, Snow” he refuse to show his face to me. Idiot. Why is he so stubborn?

I hold his face with my hands and force him to look at me. I want him to look at me so that he will know that I am not mad. That it’s okay. That I should be the one saying sorry because I forgot him. 

“I’m not mad at you, Snow. It’s not your fault that you’re in coma. Just like what you said before. The timing is awful. Fate is awful. What’s important is you are here with me now. That is what matters to me, okay?”

“Baz...” I just want him to stop crying and feeling sorry for me, for us. I want him to say that he missed me, and to hear him say that he loves me again. So, I kiss him. 

Kissing Snow is my most — loved thing in the whole world. He found me, I found him, for the second time. We found each others and I won’t let him go again. 

“Baz? Is this mean, we’re back to being boyfriends again?” He said when he stopped kissing. 

“Yes, Snow.”

“You can still change your mind, Baz. I’m a terrible boyfriend”

“I choose you to be my terrible boyfriend, Snow. I’m totally captivated by you. I’m not gonna change my mind. Not now, not ever”

 

THE END!


End file.
